Audience: Sheila Hammond

[probe]

Comments

[toesies]

Oooh... You do stand-up, too?

[She is going to walk past them to pour them a drink, anyway.]

[probe]

The lowest form of humor right after slapstick. [so no. but they turn to follow anyhow.] I suppose our guide was of little use to you?

[toesies]

I can't say I'm a big fan of having basic vocabulary avatarsplained to me. But some people don't know what a waffle is, so I'm sure it wasn't a waste.

[Taking out two shot glasses already, and without missing a beat:]

Rum or tequila?

[probe]

We wanted to leave little room for error. Despite proof that you agreed to be here, we did not want any misunderstandings about why you were here.

[and there's a pause as they sort of just stare.]

Um. [apparently that's caught them off-guard.] ...which would you recommend? [also those are such small glasses...]

[toesies]

Um?

[Now she's the one staring at them.]

Wait. You are old enough to drink, right?

[They may be old enough to fuck, but can they get drunk.]

[probe]

[they seem baffled by the question.]

Mrs. Hammond, I can assure you I'm well beyond the legal drinking age. [a pause.] I haven't had much experience with hard liquor.

[toesies]

Hey, you never know! Your cards are extremely vague.

[A shrug! She takes a moment to examine the rum and tequila bottles, looking for whichever has the lowest proof.]

I guess we should start you off with whatever's lightest so it doesn't all come out through your nose.

[She now has zero faith in their ability to drink.]

[probe]

Are they? [they say, as if they don't know. except there's a slight sputter of indignation.]

I know how to drink perfectly fine! [sheila!!!] Please just make a selection.

[toesies]

You can't read? [She knows they can, she just wants to be rude.

But with that, she pours some tequila into the glasses, and slides one their way.]

If you say so. Cheers!

[probe]

[they glare from under the hood, but they take one of the glasses and eye it before downing the shot.]

Are you satisfied?

[toesies]

Maybe.

[Lightly, before downing her own shot.]

But believe it or not, I did want to meet you for more reasons than just making fun of you.

[probe]

Is that so. [even-tempered, greed sets the shotglass back down.] And what might those reasons be?

[toesies]

I want to get to know you. As a person. Obviously?

[probe]

Obviously. [they sound a bit baffled but calm.] ...how are you finding this place, Mrs. Hammond?

[this is not what sheila wanted but here we are.]

[toesies]

[It is absolutely not what she wanted, but she will roll with it.]

It's nice! [...] Nice-ish. Honestly could do without the horror movie sets on the other floor. But if that's what one of you is into, good for you!

[probe]

I believe the phrase is "your kinks are not my kinks"? [they sound so awkward saying it, but they shrug.] I can't claim to understand that floor myself, nor will I attempt to.

[toesies]

See, I didn't want to call it a kink. But if that's what it is...?

[probe]

[there's a sigh that almost sounds irritated.]

I hardly know what anyone considers a kink in this place, and quite frankly I'm not sure I want to know.

[toesies]

Yeah... There was that thing with the raw steaks and cheese, wasn't there?

[probe]

Indeed. Did you ever find out the source? [they know, but they're curious if sheila ever found out.]

[toesies]

Nope. But I have some words for them if I ever do.

[probe]

Though I would love to be the one to point you in the right direction, we still cannot interfere with "indulgence." [they way they grumble that last word seems to indicate they do not agree with any of these people.]

[toesies]

[She just

solemnly nods with this face

and tops them off.]

Here. This might help.

[probe]

[...they seem like they might say no, but honestly, never mind. down it goes. two shots won't hurt.]

Thank you.

[toesies]

You're so welcome!

[Pours herself a second shot, as well as a third for them if they put the glass down.]

Now, enough about me and the food-related paraphilia of the people we live with. Tell me something about yourself.