Audience: Sheila Hammond

[probe]

Comments

[toesies]

I can't say I'm a big fan of having basic vocabulary avatarsplained to me. But some people don't know what a waffle is, so I'm sure it wasn't a waste.

[Taking out two shot glasses already, and without missing a beat:]

Rum or tequila?

[probe]

We wanted to leave little room for error. Despite proof that you agreed to be here, we did not want any misunderstandings about why you were here.

[and there's a pause as they sort of just stare.]

Um. [apparently that's caught them off-guard.] ...which would you recommend? [also those are such small glasses...]

[toesies]

Um?

[Now she's the one staring at them.]

Wait. You are old enough to drink, right?

[They may be old enough to fuck, but can they get drunk.]

[probe]

[they seem baffled by the question.]

Mrs. Hammond, I can assure you I'm well beyond the legal drinking age. [a pause.] I haven't had much experience with hard liquor.

[toesies]

Hey, you never know! Your cards are extremely vague.

[A shrug! She takes a moment to examine the rum and tequila bottles, looking for whichever has the lowest proof.]

I guess we should start you off with whatever's lightest so it doesn't all come out through your nose.

[She now has zero faith in their ability to drink.]

[probe]

Are they? [they say, as if they don't know. except there's a slight sputter of indignation.]

I know how to drink perfectly fine! [sheila!!!] Please just make a selection.

[toesies]

You can't read? [She knows they can, she just wants to be rude.

But with that, she pours some tequila into the glasses, and slides one their way.]

If you say so. Cheers!

[probe]

[they glare from under the hood, but they take one of the glasses and eye it before downing the shot.]

Are you satisfied?

[toesies]

Maybe.

[Lightly, before downing her own shot.]

But believe it or not, I did want to meet you for more reasons than just making fun of you.

[probe]

Is that so. [even-tempered, greed sets the shotglass back down.] And what might those reasons be?

[toesies]

I want to get to know you. As a person. Obviously?

[probe]

Obviously. [they sound a bit baffled but calm.] ...how are you finding this place, Mrs. Hammond?

[this is not what sheila wanted but here we are.]

[toesies]

[It is absolutely not what she wanted, but she will roll with it.]

It's nice! [...] Nice-ish. Honestly could do without the horror movie sets on the other floor. But if that's what one of you is into, good for you!

[probe]

I believe the phrase is "your kinks are not my kinks"? [they sound so awkward saying it, but they shrug.] I can't claim to understand that floor myself, nor will I attempt to.

[toesies]

See, I didn't want to call it a kink. But if that's what it is...?

[probe]

[there's a sigh that almost sounds irritated.]

I hardly know what anyone considers a kink in this place, and quite frankly I'm not sure I want to know.

[toesies]

Yeah... There was that thing with the raw steaks and cheese, wasn't there?

[probe]

Indeed. Did you ever find out the source? [they know, but they're curious if sheila ever found out.]

[toesies]

Nope. But I have some words for them if I ever do.

[probe]

Though I would love to be the one to point you in the right direction, we still cannot interfere with "indulgence." [they way they grumble that last word seems to indicate they do not agree with any of these people.]

[toesies]

[She just

solemnly nods with this face

and tops them off.]

Here. This might help.

[probe]

[...they seem like they might say no, but honestly, never mind. down it goes. two shots won't hurt.]

Thank you.

[toesies]

You're so welcome!

[Pours herself a second shot, as well as a third for them if they put the glass down.]

Now, enough about me and the food-related paraphilia of the people we live with. Tell me something about yourself.

[probe]

[they put the glass down but they don't immediately take the third shot. no. they are just going to wait and they seem to be staring at sheila from under the hood.]

There isn't much to tell, I'm afraid.

[toesies]

Not much isn't the same as nothing. Come on, don't be so stingy— even if that's totally your thing.