Audience: Sheila Hammond

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Comments

[toesies]

He is a dummy.

[Nodding solemnly, while getting her face licked by a dog because I totally forgot about that. It's fine.]

What's his problem, anyway? He's always yelling at me! I don't like it.

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Tsundere! Also he's wrath-aligned for a reason. If you treat him nicely and don't tell him he's an idiot he seems to do just fine.

[white's a dummy but they're also a white stan.]

Does he just yell on his own?

[toesies]

Okay, well, I don't call him an idiot. But I do call him out when he starts yelling at me for no reason.

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[the dog is still sitting on sheila's feet by now.]

Maybe all we have to do is find a way to distract him. That should work, shouldn't it?

[toesies]

Maybe? What sort of distraction did you have in mind?

[the dog will get some absent minded pats. good boy. best kyle.]

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I usually bribe him with food or games. Sometimes we talk about music. And sometimes I just let him complain about Endorsi.

[toesies]

Yeah... I like Endorsi too much, so I feel like that last option would cause more problems than solve them. Maybe I could bribe him with lasagna...?

[probe]

That's not a bad idea. Do you know how to make it? I think he wouldn't mind if it was from the machine either.

[toesies]

I do, in fact, know how to cook lasagna! I may eat people now, but I still have to cook dinner when it's my turn.

[A beat.]

But for him, vending machine is fine.

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[it gets her to laugh at least.]

Put it on a plate and he won't even know the difference! I think a nice gesture will be a good start. White seems...lonely. And a meal together sounds like a good way to try and make amends.

[and by amends she means get white to calm down.]

[toesies]

I guess it's worth a try... But know this. If he yells at me over dinner, he'll have to ingest that lasagna as a suppository.

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Ew...[she seems amused though.]

If you really need to get him to calm down, you could always tell him it's a favor for me. He should know I want my friends to get along with my other friends.

[toesies]

Huh. Underhanded strategy, but I'm into it. I'll pull it out the next time he acts like a little bitch.

[And then kindness week happened, so they have to get along anyway.]

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A little blackmail never hurt anybody, Mrs. Hammond. You gotta do what it takes.

[she just? says this so fucking calmly? it's fine.]

[toesies]

Correct! As long as you're not on the wrong end of the blackmail.

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Have you ever been on the wrong end...?

[toesies]

[She nods, her lips pursed.]

My neighbor, Dan— the one who came with me in the cooler? He found evidence that I murdered my co-worker in our backyard, and tried to blackmail my husband into killing people for him. Because, you know, that sexist fart assumed only only a man could have done it.

[probe]

First of all, that's terrible? Women are totally allowed to bring their work home with them. And second of all are you trying to say that he was a killer himself? Your husband wouldn't have said yes, would he?

[toesies]

He didn't have a choice. Though, spoiler alert. This story does end with Dan in my stomach. [Huffing!] He threatened to send my husband to jail if he didn't listen to him. What would happen to our daughter, then? So... Since I needed to kill people in order to eat them, anyway, I suggested that we treat him like a truffle pig. Then I accidentally turned the first person he asked us to kill, and discovered the second guy was a nice oncologist his wife was having an affair with.

[probe]

Jeez. What a pain in the ass...[lust.] But sometimes you just have to do things for the people you love, right? I don't...well, no, killing's still pretty bad but it sounds like that was the better option in this case.

[toesies]

Eh... Murder may be bad, but it's better than being a crooked cop and horrible stepfather. Now, that's a crime.

[probe]

When you put it that way you make it really hard to argue.

[toesies]

Mhmm! And besides, Dan was such a bad guy that his wife moved on like, immediately.

[probe]

Good for her! [don't encourage this.] She's probably way happier now, huh?

[toesies]

She is! Or, she was, until her girlfriend broke up with her to go on a spiritual journey of self-discovery.