Audience: Sheila Hammond

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Comments

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[it gets her to laugh at least.]

Put it on a plate and he won't even know the difference! I think a nice gesture will be a good start. White seems...lonely. And a meal together sounds like a good way to try and make amends.

[and by amends she means get white to calm down.]

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I guess it's worth a try... But know this. If he yells at me over dinner, he'll have to ingest that lasagna as a suppository.

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Ew...[she seems amused though.]

If you really need to get him to calm down, you could always tell him it's a favor for me. He should know I want my friends to get along with my other friends.

[toesies]

Huh. Underhanded strategy, but I'm into it. I'll pull it out the next time he acts like a little bitch.

[And then kindness week happened, so they have to get along anyway.]

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A little blackmail never hurt anybody, Mrs. Hammond. You gotta do what it takes.

[she just? says this so fucking calmly? it's fine.]

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Correct! As long as you're not on the wrong end of the blackmail.

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Have you ever been on the wrong end...?

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[She nods, her lips pursed.]

My neighbor, Dan— the one who came with me in the cooler? He found evidence that I murdered my co-worker in our backyard, and tried to blackmail my husband into killing people for him. Because, you know, that sexist fart assumed only only a man could have done it.

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First of all, that's terrible? Women are totally allowed to bring their work home with them. And second of all are you trying to say that he was a killer himself? Your husband wouldn't have said yes, would he?

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He didn't have a choice. Though, spoiler alert. This story does end with Dan in my stomach. [Huffing!] He threatened to send my husband to jail if he didn't listen to him. What would happen to our daughter, then? So... Since I needed to kill people in order to eat them, anyway, I suggested that we treat him like a truffle pig. Then I accidentally turned the first person he asked us to kill, and discovered the second guy was a nice oncologist his wife was having an affair with.

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Jeez. What a pain in the ass...[lust.] But sometimes you just have to do things for the people you love, right? I don't...well, no, killing's still pretty bad but it sounds like that was the better option in this case.

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Eh... Murder may be bad, but it's better than being a crooked cop and horrible stepfather. Now, that's a crime.

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When you put it that way you make it really hard to argue.

[toesies]

Mhmm! And besides, Dan was such a bad guy that his wife moved on like, immediately.

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Good for her! [don't encourage this.] She's probably way happier now, huh?

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She is! Or, she was, until her girlfriend broke up with her to go on a spiritual journey of self-discovery.

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...being an adult is really complicated, isn't it.

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Somewhat, yes.

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Remind me never to bother with that then.

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With what, growing up? I don't think most people have a choice.

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You don't think so? [that's such an ominous question, lust.]

[toesies]

I said "most people."

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I wonder if we're even aging here. With the way time's going, it's so hard to tell these days.

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I'm the wrong person to ask. [Because. She is stuck at this age forever.] But you guys have been here for longer than us, huh?

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Yeah. It's hard to tell if nothing's changing because it stopped or because nothing changes much when we're the ages we are.