At the beginning of all of this, you asked me if you seemed like a murderer. Do you remember that?
[ back the week that fukuda talked shit!! ] And I told you that measuring someone by their aspect was foolish. That many of the participants among us failed to separate title from name, job from person, when it came to you all. [ and doesn't he know it? the marquis of order, gu yun, who barely knows who gu yun is. ]
While it wasn't a duty - [ and here, there's an almost flash of something more vulnerable, again, something hurt, but it's barely a second long. ] - there is often a difference between what has to be done, and what you want to do, or at least, what you regret. You all are, ultimately, living creatures of some kind, and living creatures are selfish, but I also can't throw a stone from a glass house.
[ considering he killed mahito last week for his medicine. ]
...From the beginning, I didn't trust any of you, but was forced into a position of openness based on what you all knew. If there was anyone, it - [ it was you, you were the one i trusted, he starts - and then stops, and shakes his head. that feeling resonates again, a tiny flicker of vulnerability, before he continues. ]
...you've always preferred it when I called you by your name, until just now. I don't think you can obfuscate what's been done behind the title. [ the words come down seriously, harsh. ] Both Wrath and Lup are the ones who brought me here to kill me.
[ a pause. ] But. Since arriving, Wrath and Lup are the ones who have done everything in their power to save my life.
And Wrath, and Lup, are the ones who told me they loved me, and meant it.
[ and there's just - there's that same, normal affection, there. it's wrapped in hurt, a fluttering, vulnerable thing, but it hasn't gone.
that fierce determination follows, though, never stopping. a low, simmering anger, but there's a better target for fury than the Avatars themselves, right now. ]
I'm not going to accept rolling over on my back like a piece of pork for that thing's dinner. I refuse to just accept defeat when I'm only just now learning the conditions, and the rest of us are, I'm sure, the same. I have no intention of collecting a half hearted victory. It is all or nothing, and that includes you all. It especially includes you.
If you don't know how much else you can do, if you regret it, then it's time to shed some light on the darkness and let us at least try. The group we have left isn't half bad at solving things, when we want to be.
[well. it's not like she doesn't deserve it. she flinches. you brought me here to kill me.
she's quiet, everything in her screaming. fighting for some semblance of sanity. she's overwhelmed, but she won't cry this time. she isn't going to make him reach out and comfort her, not now, not like this. it's a close thing when he says wrath, and lup, are the ones who told me they loved me, and meant it - because it's true, she did. but he never said it back, and she's gunshy, embarrassed, ashamed all in one, emotions boiling under the surface.
scolded, and indignant because of that scolding, a kneejerk reaction.]
I didn't bring you here. [she corrects, but - doesn't fight. it all boils down to the same thing. silence, then:] I don't want any of you to roll over. I'll help as much as I can, but I'm going to be stopped.
It won't stop me from trying. You just should know that I'm not resisting because I want to.
[ he takes a moment to consider her answer, thoughtful, to consider her emotions, too. his hand hasn't left hers, even as she flinched, and it stays now, too, settling into a soft neutrality. ]
he doesn't say it. but the emotional equivalent of 'tch' crosses between them anyway. the two missing names are the two he's expecting, and no amount of affection that lup has for despair would change anything. not surprising. ]
That's what I expected. Qingxuan can likely be of use in working with Sloth and Envy. Let us focus on them and don't put yourself out there too much.
[ he glances away for a moment, thinking. ] I made a remark about killing it, and you panicked, earlier this week. What happens if it dies?
We're not -- [she starts, hair flaring a little, but she shuts her mouth. protectiveness rises up in her throat and burns furiously, and she won't apologize for that.
her mouth works.]
I don't know what happens, but seeing as we've been connected to it for months I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be a good result for me.
That's true. [ with a soft huff, a little humorless. it's a little apologetic, despite the high tension. ] I'm not assuming that you're sitting on a magic answer.
[ that's. kind of why they're in this situation in the first place! so. ]
Right. It's capable of [ emotionally, she can probably feel him roll his eyes ] speech, now. [ uwu ]
Those scans that Sasazuka and Mineo saw were set in September, December, and March. December is when everything began to accelerate, right? Based on what you told me, and the letter.
[ he does glance over to her as she looks away, briefly. ] Mm. And then we arrived in February.
[ thoughtfulness settles over his expression, and he takes note of the anxiety, for the moment; his thumb eventually strokes over the side of her hand. ]
... Can you tell me what happened, in the time between?
[it helps, but it's probably clear that she's scared.]
We got things ready. We didn't know people were coming until... I don't know. Time blurs together. We didn't know immediately that you guys were coming. And we started changing then.
[ ... it's the fear that gets some of that serious, businesslike emotion to waver. ultimately, under that iron exterior, he softens, and steps closer again, almost instinctively. protectively so. seems that hasn't changed either. ]
Everything helps, Lup. Every bit of information. [ you're doing well. it's helping. she's helping, even if it's terrifying, it's a start. ] To clarify, when we arrived was when you all started changing, or when you knew we were coming?
...Could it be that thing - this place - is only meant to support a specific amount of people at a time? [ thinking... ]
Xiaohei. [ he murmurs, the little nickname. ] Milk name - little ugly.
[ there's a little more of his usual humor to that, even if things are still tense.]
Alright. So, the trick will be to find some way to feed it - to keep it satisfied, like you all have been. [ a difficult, tricky dilemma - he doesn't think it's going to be easy. ] That was what the group that went to investigate dealt with, too - and then meimei and the others saw it on theirs, as well.
... Does it have to do with your Fridays, too? [ he reaches up, absently, and touches the back of his own neck. ]
I thought you guys knew that already. Yuri already ran into Greed's space and demanded they show him their neck. [she seems distinctly annoyed about this.] It's why I'm tired on Fridays. Or any other time that it decides it wants to chew on me.
[a bit of hesitance, and then:] When I was a monster - when I lost it after you went missing, I went to demand information. That was my consequence.
[ yuri... gu yun doesn't quite wince, but his brow twitches. way to handle that with a lack of subtlety.
... the second part gets him, though - there's a swoosh of something in his emotions that gives away his serious, unchanging expression. it's guilt, but then beyond that, there's something else, a vulnerable, sudden fear, a gnawing anxiety in his stomach. it was the same way he felt when molly came back with that golf club in his chest. ]
...Lup. [ he says, softly, and this time, he reaches out and takes her other hand. ]
I think. [she says, after a moment, with a sort of resolve that she was missing earlier.] I think that if it comes to it, and all of you need to sacrifice something to get out of here safely, it should be me.
I know you're not going to like that answer, but keep it in mind as a last resort. The others have things they need to go back to, and I'm dead. It won't make a difference.
[there's a twist of pain, here, but the resolve doesn't shake.]
[ oh he sure fucking doesn't like that answer, nope!!!! ]
Why you? [ it comes out fiercer than he initially intends it to, but it doesn't matter, the words already out of his mouth - the emotion like a whip, the giant red x of no, absolutely not that comes out of his feelings, combined with another swoop of that anxiety. ] Because you want to help? How does that make any sense at all, Lup, why would you be taking on the punishment for something a group of people did alone?
[she doesn't flinch, this time, resolve sharpening.]
Because I can't watch the other Avatars get punished for desperately wanting their happy endings. [she snaps. that protectiveness rises, overwhelms.] I don't want to die. But I would rather it be me than watch Lust, or Despair, or any of them lose their chance to live.
some of the emotion drops back from its fierceness, momentarily stunned by the information, and the surprise registers across his face, before it folds into something else.
that.. irrationally, that pisses him off, too, that - he can't linger on it, why or how, or is that what you wished for, can't say things like i don't want to lose you, because - wouldn't he do the same? but he couldn't. not here, not for anything, not --
(the way lup reacted when she got back that hat was so visceral, it's stuck with him for weeks. it reminded him of a winter, what feels like decades ago, and the memory shared with him too, intense and fierce and unlike anything he'd known. it won't go, now. so make him remember, but that probably isn't possible, is it.)
[there's this tiny fear, under everything. a tiny, wailing thing. despair.
but she nods.]
Not everybody is going to... be forgiving. And I don't expect them to be. In fact, I'd be surprised if people weren't racing to throw us to the wolves and like, I can't blame them. [she's so, so tired. her energy just leeches out of her.]
It can be your last resort, but it might not be someone else's.
[ it's like iron, again. the ice cold of a dark armor at the northern border. ]
Someone else will be climbing over my dead body if that's the case.
[ he's just radiating that fierce energy from before - the kind he had at misa's execution, the kind he had during his little trip. spine of iron, heart softer than cotton. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
he's quiet for a second longer. ]
At the beginning of all of this, you asked me if you seemed like a murderer. Do you remember that?
[ back the week that fukuda talked shit!! ] And I told you that measuring someone by their aspect was foolish. That many of the participants among us failed to separate title from name, job from person, when it came to you all. [ and doesn't he know it? the marquis of order, gu yun, who barely knows who gu yun is. ]
While it wasn't a duty - [ and here, there's an almost flash of something more vulnerable, again, something hurt, but it's barely a second long. ] - there is often a difference between what has to be done, and what you want to do, or at least, what you regret. You all are, ultimately, living creatures of some kind, and living creatures are selfish, but I also can't throw a stone from a glass house.
[ considering he killed mahito last week for his medicine. ]
...From the beginning, I didn't trust any of you, but was forced into a position of openness based on what you all knew. If there was anyone, it - [ it was you, you were the one i trusted, he starts - and then stops, and shakes his head. that feeling resonates again, a tiny flicker of vulnerability, before he continues. ]
...you've always preferred it when I called you by your name, until just now. I don't think you can obfuscate what's been done behind the title. [ the words come down seriously, harsh. ] Both Wrath and Lup are the ones who brought me here to kill me.
[ a pause. ] But. Since arriving, Wrath and Lup are the ones who have done everything in their power to save my life.
And Wrath, and Lup, are the ones who told me they loved me, and meant it.
[ and there's just - there's that same, normal affection, there. it's wrapped in hurt, a fluttering, vulnerable thing, but it hasn't gone.
that fierce determination follows, though, never stopping. a low, simmering anger, but there's a better target for fury than the Avatars themselves, right now. ]
I'm not going to accept rolling over on my back like a piece of pork for that thing's dinner. I refuse to just accept defeat when I'm only just now learning the conditions, and the rest of us are, I'm sure, the same. I have no intention of collecting a half hearted victory. It is all or nothing, and that includes you all. It especially includes you.
If you don't know how much else you can do, if you regret it, then it's time to shed some light on the darkness and let us at least try. The group we have left isn't half bad at solving things, when we want to be.
no subject
she's quiet, everything in her screaming. fighting for some semblance of sanity. she's overwhelmed, but she won't cry this time. she isn't going to make him reach out and comfort her, not now, not like this. it's a close thing when he says wrath, and lup, are the ones who told me they loved me, and meant it - because it's true, she did. but he never said it back, and she's gunshy, embarrassed, ashamed all in one, emotions boiling under the surface.
scolded, and indignant because of that scolding, a kneejerk reaction.]
I didn't bring you here. [she corrects, but - doesn't fight. it all boils down to the same thing. silence, then:] I don't want any of you to roll over. I'll help as much as I can, but I'm going to be stopped.
It won't stop me from trying. You just should know that I'm not resisting because I want to.
no subject
Who of the others is going to want to help?
no subject
[a jagged shiver of unease. she knows who that list is missing and it kills her a little.]
no subject
he doesn't say it. but the emotional equivalent of 'tch' crosses between them anyway. the two missing names are the two he's expecting, and no amount of affection that lup has for despair would change anything. not surprising. ]
That's what I expected. Qingxuan can likely be of use in working with Sloth and Envy. Let us focus on them and don't put yourself out there too much.
[ he glances away for a moment, thinking. ] I made a remark about killing it, and you panicked, earlier this week. What happens if it dies?
no subject
We're not -- [she starts, hair flaring a little, but she shuts her mouth. protectiveness rises up in her throat and burns furiously, and she won't apologize for that.
her mouth works.]
I don't know what happens, but seeing as we've been connected to it for months I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be a good result for me.
no subject
[ he feels the protectiveness, the anger, but is focused in on business, now - steady and calm, despite everything. ]
Did its growth stop when the numbers went down? Between your all's time here first, and between our arrival?
no subject
[frustration, bashing up against that steady calm.]
It's been growing steadily. You've all seen that.
no subject
[ that's. kind of why they're in this situation in the first place! so. ]
Right. It's capable of [ emotionally, she can probably feel him roll his eyes ] speech, now. [ uwu ]
Those scans that Sasazuka and Mineo saw were set in September, December, and March. December is when everything began to accelerate, right? Based on what you told me, and the letter.
no subject
Yes. That's right. [her anxiety is slowly growing as they talk.]
no subject
[ thoughtfulness settles over his expression, and he takes note of the anxiety, for the moment; his thumb eventually strokes over the side of her hand. ]
... Can you tell me what happened, in the time between?
no subject
We got things ready. We didn't know people were coming until... I don't know. Time blurs together. We didn't know immediately that you guys were coming. And we started changing then.
no subject
Everything helps, Lup. Every bit of information. [ you're doing well. it's helping. she's helping, even if it's terrifying, it's a start. ] To clarify, when we arrived was when you all started changing, or when you knew we were coming?
...Could it be that thing - this place - is only meant to support a specific amount of people at a time? [ thinking... ]
no subject
When we knew you were coming. [...] No. I don't think it's that. It's just getting more and more powerful.
The station itself is less important than the -- um. [you know. a burst of fear.]
no subject
[ there's a little more of his usual humor to that, even if things are still tense.]
Alright. So, the trick will be to find some way to feed it - to keep it satisfied, like you all have been. [ a difficult, tricky dilemma - he doesn't think it's going to be easy. ] That was what the group that went to investigate dealt with, too - and then meimei and the others saw it on theirs, as well.
... Does it have to do with your Fridays, too? [ he reaches up, absently, and touches the back of his own neck. ]
no subject
I thought you guys knew that already. Yuri already ran into Greed's space and demanded they show him their neck. [she seems distinctly annoyed about this.] It's why I'm tired on Fridays. Or any other time that it decides it wants to chew on me.
[a bit of hesitance, and then:] When I was a monster - when I lost it after you went missing, I went to demand information. That was my consequence.
no subject
... the second part gets him, though - there's a swoosh of something in his emotions that gives away his serious, unchanging expression. it's guilt, but then beyond that, there's something else, a vulnerable, sudden fear, a gnawing anxiety in his stomach. it was the same way he felt when molly came back with that golf club in his chest. ]
...Lup. [ he says, softly, and this time, he reaches out and takes her other hand. ]
no subject
I think. [she says, after a moment, with a sort of resolve that she was missing earlier.] I think that if it comes to it, and all of you need to sacrifice something to get out of here safely, it should be me.
I know you're not going to like that answer, but keep it in mind as a last resort. The others have things they need to go back to, and I'm dead. It won't make a difference.
[there's a twist of pain, here, but the resolve doesn't shake.]
no subject
Why you? [ it comes out fiercer than he initially intends it to, but it doesn't matter, the words already out of his mouth - the emotion like a whip, the giant red x of no, absolutely not that comes out of his feelings, combined with another swoop of that anxiety. ] Because you want to help? How does that make any sense at all, Lup, why would you be taking on the punishment for something a group of people did alone?
no subject
Because I can't watch the other Avatars get punished for desperately wanting their happy endings. [she snaps. that protectiveness rises, overwhelms.] I don't want to die. But I would rather it be me than watch Lust, or Despair, or any of them lose their chance to live.
no subject
And your brother?
no subject
He doesn't remember me.
no subject
magic is such a complicated, horrible thing.
some of the emotion drops back from its fierceness, momentarily stunned by the information, and the surprise registers across his face, before it folds into something else.
that.. irrationally, that pisses him off, too, that - he can't linger on it, why or how, or is that what you wished for, can't say things like i don't want to lose you, because - wouldn't he do the same? but he couldn't. not here, not for anything, not --
(the way lup reacted when she got back that hat was so visceral, it's stuck with him for weeks. it reminded him of a winter, what feels like decades ago, and the memory shared with him too, intense and fierce and unlike anything he'd known. it won't go, now. so make him remember, but that probably isn't possible, is it.)
he takes a deep breath. ]
... Last resort. Last.
no subject
but she nods.]
Not everybody is going to... be forgiving. And I don't expect them to be. In fact, I'd be surprised if people weren't racing to throw us to the wolves and like, I can't blame them. [she's so, so tired. her energy just leeches out of her.]
It can be your last resort, but it might not be someone else's.
no subject
Someone else will be climbing over my dead body if that's the case.
[ he's just radiating that fierce energy from before - the kind he had at misa's execution, the kind he had during his little trip. spine of iron, heart softer than cotton. ]
I'm not leaving you behind.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)