Audience: Sheila Hammond

[probe]

Comments

[toesies]

... I'll keep it in mind. Thank you for the good advice?

[Truly shook by the fact this is an actual suggestion.]

God, don't remind me. Who the hell even decided how long these powers last?

[probe]

[there's a nod. you're welcome, sometimes they manage not to be an asshole and can actually help.]

I believe they vary, so I couldn't tell you. Most likely the longest it will last is until next week.

[toesies]

Ugh... Well, that's at least better than forever.

[As a prize for not being an asshole, here's a sandwich! It's like, a club sandwich or something.]

[probe]

[they examine this sandwich.]

...thank you? [they are not sure what to do with this sandwich, though maus is sniffing at it.]

But to be clear, I'm not entirely sure if there are powers that last forever. You would have to ask the specifics at the time of receipt.

[toesies]

Noted.

[And

a beat.]

You eat human food, don't you? Or did I just make a sandwich for the dog?

[probe]

[there's a soft sound.]

Despite appearances, I believe I may still be human. I do appreciate the effort.

[toesies]

... Oh, that came out the wrong way. Didn't it?

[probe]

No, not particularly. [this isn't even kindness week, this is just a fact.] I understand some people may actually think otherwise.

[toesies]

Well, have you considered telling those people to go fuck themselves?

[She is talking about hypothetical people. She's allowed to be rude.]

[probe]

[there's a pause and they hold up a clawed hand.]

Bit hard when the details are obvious. But I've other things to care about than what people think of me anyway.

[which may or may not be true, but who knows.]

[toesies]

Seems like a them problem for assuming all humans look the same! Diversity, motherfuckers.

[Fake it 'til you make it is a valid strategy, so she will not bully them this once.]

Assuming you didn't lie about your food allergies, though, you should eat.

[probe]

I suppose my questionable humanity wouldn't mean much to a zombie. [which is more of an observation than anything. so that said, they finally pick up the sandwich and take an overdramatic bite before seemingly giving her a Look. better?]

[toesies]

[She

immediately makes such a face

like Greed just kicked poor, sweet Maus in front of her.]

Not a zombie, undead. Zombie is such a negative word! I find it horribly offensive.

[probe]

[they hold up their hands as if to say no offense! and also the sandwich drops back down to the plate.]

Sorry? [sheesh.] To someone undead then. Better?

[toesies]

Thank you. Much better. Just so you know, the only people who call me a zombie are the ones who want to decant my brain with a corkscrew.

[Saying this like it's a neat, helpful little lesson. But also, Greed? Your sandwich??]

[probe]

How foolish. [dryly. but also that's perturbing? what the hell.] Does...that really happen often to you?

[toesies]

It's happened... I don't know, twice? I'm good at laying low. But there's an ancient organization filled with bigots who would love to do just that.

[probe]

Ruthless. I...forgive my questioning, but are the undead really so common that such an organization is necessary?

[toesies]

It's a virus. It spreads. I caught it by eating bad clams. [Lethal seafood...] But, so what? There are plenty of normal bad people, too. I don't see them chanting for the death penalty every time some asshole gets on the news for murder.

[probe]

Clams...? [remind them never to eat seafood again.]

But when framed that way, you raise a fair point. Though my job tends to deal with a number of "bad people" as you say...the death penalty is still in effect.

Regardless, it's a corruption that hasn't been fixed. Can it be fixed?

[toesies]

Ancient Serbian clams. They're like, bright fucking red.

[Greed will be fine as long as they don't make a habit of eating spicy clams. It's fine.]

I don't know... But I hope so? My husband became a knight to protect me. And one day, my daughter will take over for him. If anyone can fix it, it's them.

[probe]

I can only assume it's an acquired taste.

[but they consider that.]

...all the more reason for your wish then, isn't it?

[toesies]

Actually, they tasted exactly like regular clams when soaked in marinara sauce.

[Just saying. Beware the clams.]

... Yeah, it is. I don't know what I'm going to do if this doesn't pan out. And not just because of the crazy ancient order of knights.

[probe]

Why would you ruin perfectly good clams with marinara sauce...?

[not the point.]

...despite your someone blunt nature, Mrs. Hammond, it seems to me as though you've made yourself a rather valuable asset that people will leave unharmed here.

[toesies]

Yeah... I didn't even like the food at Japopo's? I can't believe I died for subpar clams.

[This is the point now.]

That's really nice of you to say? But not sure if it's true? Plenty of nice people have been killed before.