Audience: White

[probe]

Comments

[probe]

[well, like she said, she's definitely furious. like it's a slowburning sort of anger that white gets a front row show to, but there's also some intermingling sadness, annoyance, and also...pleased, somehow. there's also a sudden boost of fondness.]

...I probably should've gone somewhere else, but I didn't think a ton of people would come here. It seemed like a good idea.

[enfangs]

[the fondness gets an echo of the same in return, at least—the one emotion breaking through his walls, other than sheer exhaustion.]

... Yeah. And the ocean's kind of relaxing, at least.

[probe]

Exactly. I think it's because the waves are kinda like white noise? You know, like those CDs they sell that have like rainforest sounds or thunderstorms or whatever. It's nice to come here and just...not deal with everybody else for a while. Even if that feels mean to say.

[enfangs]

[white just makes a pffft noise.]

I hate dealing with people, like, half the time. Your secret's safe with me.

[probe]

[it gets her to laugh at least, even slightly.]

I knew I could trust you. [:3]

...today sorta felt like it went on forever, didn't it?

[enfangs]

The trials usually do, but... yeah, this one really dragged on.

[probe]

[she nods slowly, putting the console in sleep mode to set it on the chair next to her.]

...did you know before you walked into the conference room today?

[enfangs]

[he stares out at the water.]

Nope. Only figured it out once he and Takeru started acting weird.

[...]

Well, mostly. I was kind of expecting him to know something, given how much he's in the loop. And it did kind of feel like he wasn't talking much about investigating yesterday.

[probe]

Sorry. [and she at least does seem sorry about that.] I can understand why, but it still sucks.

[enfangs]

[he shrugs.]

I'm used to it.

[probe]

[gmail my notifs, your edit came in after i replied but it's fine that doesn't change much.]

That doesn't make it any better and you know it.

[enfangs]

[something in his expression crumbles, just for a moment.]

... I dunno. After all of that, I just feel stupid.

[a part of white is angry at mineo for hiding it. but somehow, always, the one white's angriest at is himself.]

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...you shouldn't, first of all, but I know just me saying that isn't gonna change anything. So I guess the next thing I would ask is why?

[enfangs]

It's kind of hard to put into words.

[probe]

...you don't have to if you don't want to. But if you want to try...[she shrugs.] I think it's important to try and figure out why you feel the way you feel. That's why I threw a bunch of sand in the ocean earlier.

[...she threw a tantrum before white showed up, it's fine.]

[enfangs]

... I did kind of want to figure out what happened to Childe. 'Cause Endorsi liked him, 'cause it felt like something Mineo might approve of, and... well, I'm gonna be honest—I didn't like the guy. [why? because he was mean to mineo once and white is simple.] But... honestly, I'm probably a shittier person than him when you get down to it.

[white knows not many people would mourn his death. (or will? it's hardly a hypothetical situation for him, after all.) and he can't fault the world for that, but he can picture too clearly what it'd be like to have your death completely dismissed, with everyone moving on because you'd never mattered.]

In the end, though, it feels like all of those things were pointless.

[because maybe endorsi doesn't want to face this truth after all; maybe he was just moving according to mineo's strings, however unintended; maybe, for all that white doesn't pretend to believe in justice or act in its name, the end result still feels like a mess that would've been easier if he hadn't been trying to begin with.]

[probe]

[...well that all makes sense to her and it lines up with what she actually knows and believes about white as a person. there's zero surprise here, even if there's a flare-up of sympathy and also a little worry.

so she doesn't reply right away as she thinks of the right words to say.]

...I think a lot of it comes down to trying to decide what it is you want to do for yourself, and not for the people you care about. Sometimes...I mean. I get it. I do. You have people you like a lot and people you care about, so you'd do just about anything for them even if it's not normally in line with what you'd do. And it always sucks when you find that it was never gonna go the way you thought it would.

I don't think any of your actions were pointless, because they were sincere. But I think it's also understandable to be disappointed anyway.

[enfangs]

[what he wants to do for himself? the irony for someone whose lifelong motto has practically been "me, myself andi" is that he doesn't know what that is. on his worst days, he barely understands who he is. (barely knows what he'd do with a future, if granted one.) it's why he can't help but seek it in others.]

... Well, I'll get over it.

[for better or for worse, white's tolerance for this kind of thing can be rather high. at the end of the day, he loves mineo (and endorsi, whO IS ALSO OUT THERE, CONFESSING MURDER TO HIM) and that matters more than anything.

... which is maybe, like, counterproductive to what lust is trying to say, but that's how it is.]

[probe]

[she's not going to strongarm him out of feeling the way he feels and doing what he wants to do, if only because she does understand it.]

...it'll be fine. It hurts for a while, and then you remember your motivation if it really is the thing you want. And if it isn't, you'll find your motivation again. That's how it works.

[a beat.] ...but I also don't doubt they both appreciate it.

[enfangs]

... It's not about them appreciating it.

[well. it'd be nice if they were happy? which feels like a pipe dream, but anyway. whether they're happy in relation to him is irrelevant.]

[probe]

Then what's it actually about? [she is eventually going to scare him into not talking and that terrifies her? she's trying to be as open but delicate as possible, so he can probably tell she's a little nervous about this conversation.]

[enfangs]

... I dunno. I just—want them to feel better in general, I guess.

[probe]

You're like a protector. [she doesn't elaborate.] Seeing them upset just sort of makes you upset by proxy because you care about them, right?

[enfangs]

... That sounds fuckin' sappy, but... maybe.

[probe]

You say that like being sappy is always a bad thing.