Audience: Ashiya Douman

[probe]

Comments

[probe]

oh trust me envy tells me everything
i'm just doing my shovel talk

kitchen i guess then?

[commedia]

Shovel talk?

And kitchen it is. I'll be there.

[probe]

[when they enter the kitchen:]

Yeah, shovel talk. As in, I'll hit you with this shovel if you treat my boy badly.

[commedia]

Me?

[They splay a hand on their chest, looking a little shocked by the statement.]

I would never! Envy has been nothing but good to me.

[probe]

Good. I believe you! For now. But know that I will light your hair on fire if you break his heart. Envy's a good boy, he deserves the world.

[they go to sit on the counter, watching.] Is this just a for fun call or are you trying to get to know me so you can pump me for information?

[commedia]

I understand, I understand! You really have a good heart, too, looking out for him.

[And by the way...they hand them the bottle of iced coffee, beaming.]

Come now, can't I ask to talk without assuming that I'm merely doing it for business? Besides, this week has been making me feel quite angry, indeed, so I'm more than happy to get in touch with one's Wrath.

[probe]

[they take the coffee!]

I bet. You guys having to deal with the whole memory leak thing sucks. [they open their coffee.] I was wondering when you'd come talk to me.

[commedia]

There are so many hours in the day, and so many of you to talk to...but honestly, apart from Greed, I think I've started to get to know you all a little better. Greed will come in time, too.

[And just leaning their chin in their hand on the counter.]

You know, you have quite the fanbase, you know that?

[probe]

Greed's got a stick up their ass, but - they're a sweetheart under all of it. They do their best.

[they glance at douman.] And well, yeah, of course I do? I'm incredible.

[they say this, but it's like... halfhearted.]

[commedia]

They do seem like a hard worker!

[A stickler for rules, and whatnot.]

...Hm? Do you think your attention is not well-deserved?

[probe]

[they take a sip of their coffee, shrugging.]

Let me hit you back with a different question. Do you think like I seem like someone who is uh, pro-murder?

[commedia]

[Hmmm.]

From what little I know, and from what I've heard from others....not so much?

[probe]

[... hm. their shoulders seem to relax a little.]

Rad. [they say, and then shrug.] I think I'm both, uh - unlucky and lucky to have so many people who seem to care about defending me from stinky old men.

[commedia]

[A thoughtful look.]

Lucky that so many people like you, but unlucky that they're going too far for such a thing?

[probe]

Mmhm. Like, look, my ego is thriving after a total of like ten people told Dick Master to shut his piehole, but. I don't want it to swing too far in the other direction.

[commedia]

[SORRY JUST. SNORTING AT "DICK MASTER". excuse them. coughing behind a sleeve]

And yet, people seem to dislike him like its the new trend. The poor man was second again just last week. It will be hard to convince them otherwise.

[probe]

[DOUMAN wrath thinks that's hilarious.]

He's just! Super condescending! And high on his own farts! He hasn't done anything wrong but like, you know. People here aren't really voting with justice in mind.

[commedia]

It is true. But it is hard for people to resist, especially when throwing him under the bus would be considered an indulgence of its own.

[probe]

Yeah. [they kick their heels against the cabinets.]

I wouldn't be upset if he was gone. I should be, though.

[commedia]

Mm, its not bad being honest to yourself. There are some who we will never like, despite everything to the contrary.

[probe]

You know, you are seriously not what I expected. [they seem amused.]

[commedia]

Oh?

[HMMM?]

And what did you expect?

[probe]

Well, something way more feral, for one. Maybe more garbo. Envy's taste is questionable.

[commedia]

[WRATH HOW COULD YOU DUNK ENVY LIKE THIS]

[Douman barks out a laugh.]

Ahaha, maybe that's just what I show him, and you're getting me at my best?

[probe]

[ARE THEY WRONG?]

Hah! Shit, you're right, you're probably a primo garbage can where I can't see. [sniff.] Well, whatever. Envy can handle himself just fine, I just, uh, apparently turn into a mama bear whenever I talk about him!