Audience: Harrowhark Nonagesimus

[probe]

Comments

w4, sunday

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you can ask if you want, you don't have to avoid it for my sake, you know?

[bonetiddies]

That sounds very much like I do need to avoid it for your sake.

I didn't want to talk about it. I despised everyone who acted as though they were entitled to the details.

[probe]

well you're definitely not acting like you're entitled

I wasn't ready to talk about it first, for sure, but everyone actually more or less left me alone about it?

[bonetiddies]

Ah. Well, good. I'd be very cross at anyone who had behaved in such a way.

But then perhaps you did want to talk about it, eventually, and no one asked?

[probe]

kind of, yeah. at the very least I wouldn't mind, but most of you guys are really polite about it

feels weird to talk about it if they don't ask, you know?

[bonetiddies]

It's difficult in some ways, because we come to all of you for information, and tend to get irritated when you don't provide it. That creates an odd balance, when it comes to approaching to ask questions for reasons other than information.

I suppose I'm asking, then. Are you all right? What happened?

[probe]

I'm- okay, maybe not FINE but I'll be okay? it's just kind of hard to not think about.

I got separated from everyone else pretty fast, and then I just

I kept seeing you guys? And you were getting what you wanted, and you were happy about it, and you were all leaving me behind. one at a time. telling me it didn't ever matter, I was just here for you to get what you wanted. and if I ever asked anyone not to go, or said anything at all, then they killed me but I just

came back for it to happen again with somebody else.

[bonetiddies]

Oh, Envy.

[She knows enough about his fears by now to know how awful that must have been.]

I'm so sorry.

[probe]

I know it wasn't real or anything, it's just

I don't know

it's really hard to get it out of my head. I don't like how jealous I felt over seeing some of you guys leave together, I don't WANT to be like that

[bonetiddies]

It wouldn't have shown to you if it wasn't designed to strike you in your worst fears. That seems to have been the intent.

[Long . . . pause]

I think sometimes about this ending, and how for so many of the people here who have called me their friend, this will only be a brief, horrible experience that perhaps helped them achieve their desires, and they'll want to move past it, and forget. I feel such ugly, destructive things about that notion.

I don't want to be like that, either. I fear that

[. . .]

I promise that my ugliest thoughts are such that I could never judge you for yours.

[probe]

...it's hard, because if they want to move on and that's what's best for them, then you're supposed to want that for them. right? but

I don't want anyone to move on and just forget about me either, or to never see people I cared about again.

[there's a delay between messages.]

hey, um

even if everyone else does, I promise I'm not going to forget about it, okay? or about you.

[bonetiddies]

[Oh, Envy.]

I won't forget you, either.

But come. What have we discussed. Everyone leaving you behind is an illusion, not reality. No one wants you left forgotten here.

[probe]

I'm trying to tell myself that, I promise, it's just, you know

my brain usually operates on 'it's reality until proven otherwise'

[bonetiddies]

Yes. I understand. I just thought I ought to say it too.

Pride said you saved his life.

[And then he got beheaded anyway, but oh well.]