You make it sound like us caring about you and trying to get to know you was completely manipulative. [it's not that she doesn't get why, but it frustrates her anyway.]
Haven't you ever thought that maybe there can be two different agendas here?
[Okay, there we go. She sighs, chews on her lip a little.]
. . . It just isn't something I can understand. But that's not because I think you're being dishonest, when you say it isn't. I recognize that I have lived a very solitary life and. . . ordinary social dynamics often elude me.
I suppose if all along you were hoping it wouldn't turn out the way it was expected to turn out, and tried to act accordingly, I get what you were doing. But it can't come as a surprise that some of us would view these interactions negatively, once we came to know what we now know.
I never said it was a surprise, but you can't tell me that you wouldn't be a little hurt if someone came up to you and started throwing around accusations that they assumed were right and then tried to pick a fight about it.
[she can be fighty but also harrow please.]
I bet you haven't even asked most of us what we came here for, huh? Not that it matters to you I guess, but...it's sort of a funny thought.
I meant people besides me because I haven't even told the others exactly why I'm here. [but. she huffs.]
...there's someone I have to save and make sure he doesn't get taken away again. That's what I tell everyone who asks. But there's a second part, too. There isn't really a great time to drop the "by the way, I'm dying" lore, so...it just never came up. And I didn't tell you because it felt manipulative to say that I'm trying to live longer than the month I've got left.
Do you get it? [so yes it was intrusive but she's really the dumbass here for not wanting to say it and influence people's decision, except now she's mad people are making assumptions. lust is a moron.]
I know for some of them, because they told me. Pride, Gluttony. [She answers this with a lot less defensiveness.] The fact that I don't know for others is not a function of my not caring about them. I don't like when people asking me prying personal questions, and I don't tend to know how to ask personal questions without feeling like I'm prying where I'm not wanted.
[Anyway, she'll listen to the rest of that. She doesn't have much to say to it - it's a wish that makes sense. She wants to help someone else, and she wants to save herself.]
I wouldn't have thought it was manipulative. It is a true statement of your motivations. It's a good thing to want.
[She hesitates again. . .]
I won't pretend I didn't come to pick a fight, in part. But it's not because I hate you or just want to take my anger out on you. I just - it isn't as though you like me, which makes me feel as though I can trust what you say somewhat.
I'm not coming to throw accusations at you, or to try to suggest I don't care about your predicament or don't find your motivations understandable. If I felt that way, I wouldn't be talking to you at all.
[...she just uses both of her hands to drag down her face.]
I think this whole thing is a really big miscommunication thing, because I do like you, and that's why this conversation is going in circles. Because I like you, that's why it feels shitty. Make sense?
[but she pauses to think of how to elaborate.]
...the whole thing's a giant mess, I won't lie to you about that. Some of us don't care. I won't lie to you about that either. And some of us are busy trying to decide what to do now. Whatever you decide, that's fine. We all know your position on these things, so it's not like we can stop you from doing what you want to do. All we can do is listen and tell you what we think.
[Well, okay. She'll go a lot less aggro about that. Because she didn't really realize that, because she's bad at interacting with people.]
Well. Listen. I don't particularly know what the options are. [So 'doing what you want to do' seems premature.] I know you don't either.
Just. My perspective is not that I don't care about all of you surviving or getting your wishes, or that I wish for us to be enemies.
I would say my priority right now is very simply not being eaten by a creature, and then once that's assured, I can begin to think of other priorities. But those priorities for me include that - I have sworn an oath to myself that I will not die or give up on what I came here for. [And she has to hold on to that oath, because she doesn't know what her wish is or particularly value her life without it, either.] And if we don't get what we came here for, some of us are in the same boat you are. They're dead, or likely to die. If I'm sent home, I am also very likely to die. So those aren't priorities I can let go of.
Nor do I expect the eight of you to let go of your own identical priorities for yourselves and for one another. And if those two goals turn out to be incompatible with one another, it leaves us at cross purposes, whether I want it to be that way or not.
The options are, right now, going your own way, listening to us, or finding another route. There has to be a reason you guys are learning way more than we ever did. But whatever it is? We have no idea.
I don't think it's wrong to make that a priority. Like...I don't think any of us want to actually get eaten. And I don't think there's anything wrong with not giving up.
We're going to have to see what else comes up and what other plans make themselves known, I think. You guys are learning more all the time, so...maybe those goals will line up, maybe they won't. But it's not like we really do know more than you do at this point.
. . . I'll listen to what all of you have to say, but that isn't necessarily the same as trusting it. I would like it if we could, but I don't think the conditions for trust have been established.
I will, yes. And perhaps others will feel differently than I do in both directions. For me, it isn't a matter of emotional ties. I just don't want to make a mistake.
But I do appreciate your speaking to me, even though I have not made it pleasant.
...just keep your options open too, Harrowhark. By not wanting to make a mistake, you could easily miss something that's presented to you, or a reason why things are the way they are. I don't mind speaking to you either way.
[it's a job, and she and harrow were friends, sort of. debatably so now. she nods though and slides off the table.]
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Haven't you ever thought that maybe there can be two different agendas here?
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. . . It just isn't something I can understand. But that's not because I think you're being dishonest, when you say it isn't. I recognize that I have lived a very solitary life and. . . ordinary social dynamics often elude me.
I suppose if all along you were hoping it wouldn't turn out the way it was expected to turn out, and tried to act accordingly, I get what you were doing. But it can't come as a surprise that some of us would view these interactions negatively, once we came to know what we now know.
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[she can be fighty but also harrow please.]
I bet you haven't even asked most of us what we came here for, huh? Not that it matters to you I guess, but...it's sort of a funny thought.
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[So that feels a little unfair.]
It isn't that I don't care? I consider it an intrusive question to ask someone.
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...there's someone I have to save and make sure he doesn't get taken away again. That's what I tell everyone who asks. But there's a second part, too. There isn't really a great time to drop the "by the way, I'm dying" lore, so...it just never came up. And I didn't tell you because it felt manipulative to say that I'm trying to live longer than the month I've got left.
Do you get it? [so yes it was intrusive but she's really the dumbass here for not wanting to say it and influence people's decision, except now she's mad people are making assumptions. lust is a moron.]
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[Anyway, she'll listen to the rest of that. She doesn't have much to say to it - it's a wish that makes sense. She wants to help someone else, and she wants to save herself.]
I wouldn't have thought it was manipulative. It is a true statement of your motivations. It's a good thing to want.
[She hesitates again. . .]
I won't pretend I didn't come to pick a fight, in part. But it's not because I hate you or just want to take my anger out on you. I just - it isn't as though you like me, which makes me feel as though I can trust what you say somewhat.
I'm not coming to throw accusations at you, or to try to suggest I don't care about your predicament or don't find your motivations understandable. If I felt that way, I wouldn't be talking to you at all.
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I think this whole thing is a really big miscommunication thing, because I do like you, and that's why this conversation is going in circles. Because I like you, that's why it feels shitty. Make sense?
[but she pauses to think of how to elaborate.]
...the whole thing's a giant mess, I won't lie to you about that. Some of us don't care. I won't lie to you about that either. And some of us are busy trying to decide what to do now. Whatever you decide, that's fine. We all know your position on these things, so it's not like we can stop you from doing what you want to do. All we can do is listen and tell you what we think.
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Well. Listen. I don't particularly know what the options are. [So 'doing what you want to do' seems premature.] I know you don't either.
Just. My perspective is not that I don't care about all of you surviving or getting your wishes, or that I wish for us to be enemies.
I would say my priority right now is very simply not being eaten by a creature, and then once that's assured, I can begin to think of other priorities. But those priorities for me include that - I have sworn an oath to myself that I will not die or give up on what I came here for. [And she has to hold on to that oath, because she doesn't know what her wish is or particularly value her life without it, either.] And if we don't get what we came here for, some of us are in the same boat you are. They're dead, or likely to die. If I'm sent home, I am also very likely to die. So those aren't priorities I can let go of.
Nor do I expect the eight of you to let go of your own identical priorities for yourselves and for one another. And if those two goals turn out to be incompatible with one another, it leaves us at cross purposes, whether I want it to be that way or not.
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I don't think it's wrong to make that a priority. Like...I don't think any of us want to actually get eaten. And I don't think there's anything wrong with not giving up.
We're going to have to see what else comes up and what other plans make themselves known, I think. You guys are learning more all the time, so...maybe those goals will line up, maybe they won't. But it's not like we really do know more than you do at this point.
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[She's still chewing her lip a little, but.]
. . . I'll listen to what all of you have to say, but that isn't necessarily the same as trusting it. I would like it if we could, but I don't think the conditions for trust have been established.
So it will have to be another route.
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I know you're going to take this information back to the rest of them because you always do. So you can decide together.
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But I do appreciate your speaking to me, even though I have not made it pleasant.
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[it's a job, and she and harrow were friends, sort of. debatably so now. she nods though and slides off the table.]
Anything else?
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That's all for now.