Audience: Harrowhark Nonagesimus

[probe]

Comments

[probe]

Harrow! [cheerful as ever.] How are you? Wanna head in?

[bonetiddies]

[She will nod and head in.]

A little poorly, I'm afraid. The current heightened effects are making it difficult to think clearly.

[probe]

Oh yeah? [they will follow, letting a hand brush over harrow's arm to guide her into the library toward a set of couches.] I guess being in despair would make it pretty hard, but I think you're also smart enough to figure out a way to work around it. Right?

[bonetiddies]

Of course I can.

[Which she only says because of pride, not because she has any clue what Lust means.]

[probe]

Good! [it's fine, lust is unfortunately kind of just prone to believing people anyway.] But hopefully this week isn't too hard on you. I can't even imagine...

[but once they find a good couch, they immediately slide onto it and pat the spot next to them for harrow to sit.]

[bonetiddies]

[She will sit next to her.]

It isn't too hard. But out of curiosity, what did you mean? About a way to work around it?

[probe]

Not letting yourself fall too heavy into despair. I kind of think that even when things are really bad there's always a way to be more stubborn and not let it stop you.

[did. they just call harrow stubborn? yeah, but, like in a good way.]

[bonetiddies]

Oh, yes. I know precisely what you mean, even if it is. . . antithetical, in some ways, to what Despair tells me I ought to do.

[Is she stubborn in a good way? Is she?]

. . . I fear that I have been very. Ridiculous, these past few days. I have behaved in a manner unbecoming of a daughter of the Ninth.

[probe]

I guess. I dunno, I don't really listen to Despair all that often, but I can see why others do.

[they lean forward a little though.]

I can't guarantee I know much about being a daughter of the Ninth, but wanna tell me about it? What makes you say that?

[bonetiddies]

Oh, just -

[She both does and does want to talk about it. She feels a nasty swell of humiliation just thinking about it, but she also still feels angry and sad.]

Becoming overemotional about certain topics and behaving irrationally. [Hmm.] I did what you said. I tried to. . . engage more with others.

But now it matters to me if they die, which was the flaw in the plan the entire time.

[probe]

First of all, it's never a flaw to care about other people, Harrow. It might feel like it, but people always need to rely on other people to reach their goals anyway.

[but hm...it's probably hard on her to engage after...you know. her whole life.]

Tell me a little more about how you were engaging? What kind of things have you been doing with them?

[bonetiddies]

Not - I don't refer to that kind of engaging.

[Just because she's Lust doesn't mean that's what she meant.]

. . . Talking, for the most part. Including discussion of things of a personal nature. I went to the movie night.

[probe]

Oh. Ew, no, not that. I didn't think it was that! I mean it's fine if it was that, but...yeah.

[ahhhhh.]

Talking's good! Movies are also good. Did you enjoy it, at least?

[bonetiddies]

Ew? [She laughs a little.] From Lust?

[But - ]

It was all right. I didn't care much for the films, but it was a different experience. To spend time in the company of others without any purpose or need to maintain a facade.

[probe]

[there's an embarrassed kind of laugh, but at the same time they're not that embarrassed to say:]

I've never done that with anybody before. That's all.

[because nothing is funnier to me, personally, than the avatar of lust being a virgin. regardless! they seem more interested in harrow's adventures in socialization.]

That's what makes them even better, you know? It's all about the memories and experiences you have with people you like. Sometimes my friends and I will go see really bad movies in theaters just because it's a fun way to spend time together. Not everything has to have a really intense purpose.

[bonetiddies]

Ah. I should have learned by now not to make too many assumptions related to your aspects. I know the meanings are often more abstract.

[Oh no, cute. That's me, Siz - I think Harrow is a little more, whew, because she's also pretty inexperienced and shy about sex. It makes Lust a little more approachable.]

I understand your point, but the "flaw," as I know you prefer I not refer it, is that I then - [She doesn't really know how to care about people in a normal way.] Perhaps I hold on too tightly. [Not that she can remember Gideon, but that was always how they were - despite all their fights and misunderstandings, the core was always how she clung to her too tightly, without letting her know why.]

[probe]

It's okay. I know a lot of people have pretty strong opinions on what lust is anyway.

[lust is doing their best.]

...can I ask you something kind of personal? Does it scare you to get too close to people, or are you scared of them getting too close to you?

[apparently there's a difference.] Or maybe it's something else?

[bonetiddies]

I'm not sure of the distinction.

[It's just. . . difficult, like taking a test in a subject no one ever taught her.]

I suppose. . . I spent many years maintaining a pretense by necessity, feeling that it was necessary that all viewed me in a particular light and any deviation from that remain within my control. None of the reasons for that pretense exist any longer, and yet there is an instinctual sense that I am doing something very foolish and very dangerous by allowing anyone more pieces of me than is necessary for them to have.

But I also. . . [Hmm. This is a little harder to explain.] I don't know if I really know who I am, past all of that. I can't see the shape of the person there, can't imagine the reasons another person would find it compelling or worthwhile. When I sense that another seems to have - put together a few of the pieces of this puzzle that eludes me, it is the only thing I've ever found that seems to suggest at a solution, and I fear to lose that. [Or in less purple prose, having people like your frigid nun ass feels good and it would suck if it went away?]

[probe]

[there's a nod of understanding as lust looks at their own hands for a moment.]

For what it's worth, the difference is that you're afraid to get close because you don't want to be hurt by people, or you don't want people to get close because you're afraid you'll hurt them.

But that sounds a little familiar. [it sounds like a few different avatars, actually, which is exhausting to lust who doesn't elaborate on that.] They say that we're our own worst critic, and I think that's really true. It's a lot harder to see who we are because we're constantly trying to figure that out and be the kind of person we think we should be instead of the kind we really are.

At the same time, I think the people who "put together a few pieces of the puzzle" aren't really looking for an excuse to go away either. People puzzle other people out because they want to stay and they want to you to matter. Or at least that's what I've always thought.

[...there's a pause.] When I was twelve, my mom started seeing someone. I didn't know it at the time, but he was an assassin and he was involved working with one of the most notorious gangs in town. I don't know how much my mom knew at the time, but that man probably felt the same way you did. He didn't want to lose what he had with my mom, so he did some things to give up his old life and who he was to try and be someone else. To be who my mom and I saw.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's okay to be scared of losing those connections, but they're likely not going to go away anytime soon. You just have to let them grow and know that even if you don't know who you are, those people will shape you into the person you want to be.

[bonetiddies]

[Me like WHICH DANGAN IS THIS Lust who the fuck are you. I hope they're just into videogames and that's why they collects Monokumas.

Honestly, this is a terrible story. Being afraid of your feelings is like being a gangster assassin stepdad looking for love. But she doesn't really know what notorious gangs are, so it's fortunately hard for her to realize what a bizarre story this is - it's as equally alien to her as if Lust had said their stepdad worked at Subway.

But the sentiment is appreciated. It all just comes down to not wanting to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.]

. . . Thank you. I find it so stunningly easy to speak frankly with you.

[probe]

[it is absolutely a terrible story but at least harrow seems to get the point that lust was trying to make since that's what it comes down to. not wanting to be known or seen.]

I'm glad to hear it. I don't....I get why some of the others are the way they are, I really do! But I don't like all of the purple-prosey kind of talk when I can just be honest with you guys.

[bonetiddies]

Well.

[She smiles a little, amused by that. I mean. Lust. Listen to her.]

I'm not sure it's as simple as you say. Particularly when there is so much you cannot say directly to us, is there not?

[probe]

Hm...I dunno if it's so much that we can't say it as some of us don't really know, or some of us don't want to. Are you thinking of something specific or is this kind of a general Avatar thing?

[bonetiddies]

Fine. What is the "unfinished business" that led you to become Avatars?

[probe]

Hm...it's different for all of us, I think, but it's also the same. Kind of like having a common goal but different forms of that goal, you know? But we became Avatars because we agreed to.