It's like that for a lot of them that I know. They just-- they're not ready to go anywhere. They want to be acknowledged, and to be able to communicate. It's lonely for me, yeah, but.... it's even lonelier for them.
I don't know anymore. I keep thinking about it, you know? With all of you guys around-- I keep wondering about what I'd want, if I was in your position. I thought I'd probably just want to not be alone.
[he pauses for a few moments, there.]
But then I thought about it more, and-- I already have that here, sort of. This is the first time I've ever had this many people around, or this many who actually want to hang out with me, but it's still not... it's not enough on its own.
...the more that I get close to people, the more I can tell that I'm not-- everyone likes other people more. If they had to pick, they wouldn't pick me. And it's just--
[he huffs out a humorless, almost nervous little laugh, reaching up to run his fingers through his hair in a restless gesture.]
I'm jealous as fuck of it! I mean, I'm Envy, of course I'm going to be, right? I can't... I really can't help it, even if I wanted to. But I just want to feel like someone really would pick me over everyone else, and they wouldn't. They're all going to leave me.
[And that is why Omi's rejection hurt so badly, even though Douman already knew that, deep down. To be wanted, and wanted alone...]
[And now here they are, no longer Limbo, who used Envy for their own needs. Would Limbo have chosen Envy, and Envy alone? Obviously not, with what they did to Omi.]
...Its a horrible feeling. I know it too well. The fact that you feel sidelined. The fact that...you will never be good enough.
[They hang their head.]
In the end, we're nothing more than ghosts ourselves. I'm...tired of being tossed away.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
Do you wish your life was anything different, Envy?
no subject
[he admits that quietly, glancing aside.]
I used to just-- want to be normal. To not have everyone think I was crazy, get to live like other people do. I still kind of do, sometimes.
no subject
I understand. Is...that the wish you wanted granted? If assuming you were once like us...
no subject
[he pauses for a few moments, there.]
But then I thought about it more, and-- I already have that here, sort of. This is the first time I've ever had this many people around, or this many who actually want to hang out with me, but it's still not... it's not enough on its own.
no subject
What do you think is missing?
no subject
[he huffs out a humorless, almost nervous little laugh, reaching up to run his fingers through his hair in a restless gesture.]
I'm jealous as fuck of it! I mean, I'm Envy, of course I'm going to be, right? I can't... I really can't help it, even if I wanted to. But I just want to feel like someone really would pick me over everyone else, and they wouldn't. They're all going to leave me.
no subject
[And that is why Omi's rejection hurt so badly, even though Douman already knew that, deep down. To be wanted, and wanted alone...]
[And now here they are, no longer Limbo, who used Envy for their own needs. Would Limbo have chosen Envy, and Envy alone? Obviously not, with what they did to Omi.]
...Its a horrible feeling. I know it too well. The fact that you feel sidelined. The fact that...you will never be good enough.
[They hang their head.]
In the end, we're nothing more than ghosts ourselves. I'm...tired of being tossed away.
no subject
[he's still clinging to douman's hand, like he's afraid if he lets go, he won't get it back.]
...I don't want you to end up being tossed away, either, it sucks.
no subject
[What a thing to say. Douman also doesn't let go, also desperate.]
[The people of Limbo, they lived in longing-]
Nobody has ever said that, about a wretched soul like me.
no subject
[that comes with a little squeeze of their hand.]
no subject
[A little surprised look.]
I guess I can't.
no subject
no subject
You make it sound like a transaction. I just...didn't think I'd be having small happinesses like this, after everything.
no subject
[he flusters in turn, glancing aside.]
But, um. I think especially in circumstances like this-- people should get to have those.
no subject
You should have some, too
no subject
[for all that he knows it probably won't last-- well. there are still moments.]
no subject
[A sigh.]
Do you...think you can make it out of here, Envy?
no subject
no subject
Well, hopefully you do just actually want to escape before considering plans? Or...do you want to stay?
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
[....So they're basically like one of Envy's ghosts now, huh.]
Besides, its what I deserve. You deserve more than that.
no subject
[he manages a slight smile, but. only a slight one.]
(no subject)