[Can't believe Childe's missing the chance to popcorn Vlad's speech because he decided to chase after what he knows is an illusion instead. But listen! Based on what the Goat Monster said, he has a feeling he knows what this is going to be about, and this is likely where he's meant to go anyway. God. Even knowing it's an illusion leaves a bit of a sour taste in his mouth, but it's fine. It'll be fine.
He rounds the corner, putting his hands on his hips. Hi lil bro, please enjoy his new horns, aren't they cool?]
There you are! How many times have I told you not to run off like that, hm? It's dangerous.
Helping people costs you nothing! Jerk! This is why my mom didn't pick you!
[Does Danny know about this? It doesn't matter, because this is Omniscient (Fake) Danny who also knows that Vlad is still kind of to blame, you incel asshole. :/ Unfortunately, he can't force Vlad into doing anything, as he has to run off and help more people.
Over with Childe: Teucer just smiles up at him, completely unconcerned with monster skeletons trying to kill people. He points up at the horns, making him the only character in this entire CYOA segment to acknowledge anyone's horns, because yeah!! They're cool!!]
Childe, meanwhile, crouches down so that fake Teucer can touch them if he wants! They should probably go somewhere away from the monster skeletons, but eh. Childe will just bust them up if needed? It's probably fine. He does, however, kind of angle himself to try and block Teucer's view of people presumably getting murdered, even if he doesn't seem fazed by it at all.]
Haha, no, not quite. These are a new toy we're testing out, from the research facility. What do you think, don't they look real?
As he yells, a little girl fleeing from a skeleton runs up to him and grabs his leg. Why him? Because other people are already busying with HELPING OTHERS, Danny included. (Who just scowls at Vlad!! [PG-version of "fuck you" goes here.])
The girl cries.]
Help me, Mister! Please!
[What now.
Over with Childe, who tells lies to children, Teucer touches his horns!! Wow!!! He nods.]
Yeah, they look super real! What kind of toys are they, though? Those people don't look like they're having much fun...
[Childe, who lies to children, glances over his shoulder at the skeletons. I can't really describe what they're doing because I'm a pleb who hasn't watched that much Danny Phantom but whatever it is, it's probably not good.
Not that it matters, because Childe just shakes his head.]
Oh, those? Those aren't ours. [WELL IT'S TRUE. Getting to his feet, he holds out his hand.] It doesn't look very safe out here right now, so let's go find somewhere to wait, alright? I'm sure Her Majesty is sending in reinforcements right away.
[Her Majesty the Tsaritsa of This Random Park in America]
[ Here's the thing: Vlad Masters does not give one shit about this child. He does, however, care about his public image, and he is something of a celebrity, so he can't be seen throwing a child to the mercy of ghost skeleton warriors.
So he picks up the girl, hoisting her up on his hip, and sighs heavily. ]
Very well, let's go find your papa, then.
[ He gives Danny a smug, nasty look--for all that he may know Vlad's true colors, he can't do a damn thing to bring him down because he is a picture perfect model citizen as far as anyone else can see. ]
[DON'T LOOK AT HIM WITH THOSE BIG OL' EYES, TEUCER even if you are fake, he has press down a sigh. HE'S SUCH A SUCKER... terrible.]
First, I have to make sure you're somewhere safe. Remember what I told you? We shouldn't charge into unknown dangers. [And he'll stick to that, keeping hold of Teucer's hand and starting to walk away. There's probably a safe building somewhere around, right? It would be very funny if he and Vlad ended up running back into each other with one (1) newly acquired child each.] But if you promise to stay put when we find somewhere safe, then I'll come see what I can do, alright?
[Danny just! scowls at Vlad! And can't resist one parting remark.]
Your image won't last forever, you know. And then what are you gonna do?
[Anyway. The girl will point at a building. It may or may not conveniently be the building that Childe is looking at.]
We got separated over there...!
[Though if they head on over there, a ghost skeleton shambles on over and tries to stab the girl. I couldn't think of a non-blunt way to say that but there you go.
Teucer follows along and nods with all the sincerity of a small child. Which is to say, he might mean it right now, but no guarantees about how he's feeling five minutes later.]
Money, my boy. It walks, it talks, it rehabilitates.
[ And with that last smug retort, Vlad sets off for the building she's pointing at. Ah, look at that--it's his fellow horny man, how convenient.
Then the skeleton comes shambling over and--Vlad barely has to think before he's whipping out his free arm to punch the thing directly in the chest, with all the strength his newly-empowered body has in it.
He hopes it falls apart in a pile of bones and dust. ]
[Yeah unfortunately this is after Teucer becomes a stowaway on a ship to come see him so Childe IS NOT BUYING IT, even though he sounds fond as he speaks. Does he see Vlad? Who knows, because he's not acknowledging him. Wow.]
I mean it, Teucer! You make a pinkie promise, you keep it all your life...
[For those of you reading along at home, the rest of that cute little rhyme is: "You break a pinkie promise, I throw you on the ice. The cold will kill the pinkie that once betrayed your friend, the frost will freeze your tongue off so you never lie again."
[The skeleton does fall apart! Good job, Vlad. The girl clings to Vlad. Her hero! Does he deserve that praise? Debatable.
But when the little girl sees Childe, she gasps and points.]
That looks like the man Papa left Mama for! [WHAT.] Maybe he knows where he is!
[At least Teucer faithfully repeats the rhyme after Childe, why is Russia/fantasy Russia like this. Now go and actually do a decent deed out there, sir.]
[ Vlad is, if nothing else, passively curious about whatever weird connections are being made here in fake Amity Park. He approaches Childe and once he's done reciting nursery rhymes with his brother, Vlad clears his throat loudly enough to catch his attention. ]
This child says you know her father. Does that ring any bells?
[There are more screams coming from outside. Please, people are dying out there. Teucer is just like, wow! Are those toys really that awful?
The girl nods.]
I knew it! I saw Papa talking with you, and then one day he left our home! But I found him, and he said it was because of you that he had to leave, and we couldn't tell Mama!
[That wasn't the question, but it's fine. She tugs on Childe's pants.]
He's out there! You love him, right? Please save him!
[Maybe Rex Lapis shouldn't have fucked off, then!!!
Also, unfortunately, Childe has spent time around Gu Yun, and is thus well-versed in ignoring obnoxious mansluts. Therefore Vlad gets no acknowledgment whatsoever.
The little girl, on the other hand, gets an "ahhh!" sound, since, yeah, that didn't answer his question at all? But he's just rolling with it.
Childe, expert at lying to children:]
Of course, now I remember! It seems there's been a bit of a misunderstanding--it's just part of a big, big project we've been working on for you and your mother. Ah, it was supposed to be a surprise... but I suppose it's alright if your papa tells you about it now.
[He taps his chin with his free hand, pretending to think it over.]
How about this--if you stay here with my brother, we'll go find your father, and when he comes back, we'll tell you all about the surprise. [Turning back to his fake brother:] What do you think, Teucer? Do you want to help protect her? It's a big job, you know.
[Away they go! People are being attacked by ghost skeletons! A woman runs by not far from them, tripping in her desperation, as a skeleton comes chasing her.]
[ Vlad does absolutely nothing, other than to take a few steps to give the woman and skeleton a wider berth so he doesn't get caught in the crossfire. Sounds like a you problem, lady, they've got some adulterer to find. ]
Childe doesn't particularly care about these civilians either, but what he does enjoy is fighting, and he's got some shiny new powers to test out! So thanks, convenient ghost skeleton, for stopping by to be a guinea pig--it only takes a moment to make short work of it, and he hums, flexing his fingers.]
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He rounds the corner, putting his hands on his hips. Hi lil bro, please enjoy his new horns, aren't they cool?]
There you are! How many times have I told you not to run off like that, hm? It's dangerous.
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[Does Danny know about this? It doesn't matter, because this is Omniscient (Fake) Danny who also knows that Vlad is still kind of to blame, you incel asshole. :/ Unfortunately, he can't force Vlad into doing anything, as he has to run off and help more people.
Over with Childe: Teucer just smiles up at him, completely unconcerned with monster skeletons trying to kill people. He points up at the horns, making him the only character in this entire CYOA segment to acknowledge anyone's horns, because yeah!! They're cool!!]
What's going on? Are you doing some kind of play?
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Childe, meanwhile, crouches down so that fake Teucer can touch them if he wants! They should probably go somewhere away from the monster skeletons, but eh. Childe will just bust them up if needed? It's probably fine. He does, however, kind of angle himself to try and block Teucer's view of people presumably getting murdered, even if he doesn't seem fazed by it at all.]
Haha, no, not quite. These are a new toy we're testing out, from the research facility. What do you think, don't they look real?
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As he yells, a little girl fleeing from a skeleton runs up to him and grabs his leg. Why him? Because other people are already busying with HELPING OTHERS, Danny included. (Who just scowls at Vlad!! [PG-version of "fuck you" goes here.])
The girl cries.]
Help me, Mister! Please!
[What now.
Over with Childe, who tells lies to children, Teucer touches his horns!! Wow!!! He nods.]
Yeah, they look super real! What kind of toys are they, though? Those people don't look like they're having much fun...
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Oh, what now? What do you want?
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Not that it matters, because Childe just shakes his head.]
Oh, those? Those aren't ours. [WELL IT'S TRUE. Getting to his feet, he holds out his hand.] It doesn't look very safe out here right now, so let's go find somewhere to wait, alright? I'm sure Her Majesty is sending in reinforcements right away.
[Her Majesty the Tsaritsa of This Random Park in America]
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The girl looks up at him, before pointing to the ghost skeletons that are now approaching them.]
I-I can't find Papa, so please, save me! A-And Papa too!
[You're the only one she can count on, Vlad!
Teucer takes his hand, but he looks up at Childe, questioning. Staring deep into his soul (no).]
It's not safe? Are they in trouble, then? ... You're not gonna help them?
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So he picks up the girl, hoisting her up on his hip, and sighs heavily. ]
Very well, let's go find your papa, then.
[ He gives Danny a smug, nasty look--for all that he may know Vlad's true colors, he can't do a damn thing to bring him down because he is a picture perfect model citizen as far as anyone else can see. ]
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First, I have to make sure you're somewhere safe. Remember what I told you? We shouldn't charge into unknown dangers. [And he'll stick to that, keeping hold of Teucer's hand and starting to walk away. There's probably a safe building somewhere around, right? It would be very funny if he and Vlad ended up running back into each other with one (1) newly acquired child each.] But if you promise to stay put when we find somewhere safe, then I'll come see what I can do, alright?
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Your image won't last forever, you know. And then what are you gonna do?
[Anyway. The girl will point at a building. It may or may not conveniently be the building that Childe is looking at.]
We got separated over there...!
[Though if they head on over there, a ghost skeleton shambles on over and tries to stab the girl. I couldn't think of a non-blunt way to say that but there you go.
Teucer follows along and nods with all the sincerity of a small child. Which is to say, he might mean it right now, but no guarantees about how he's feeling five minutes later.]
Yeah, I promise!
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[ And with that last smug retort, Vlad sets off for the building she's pointing at. Ah, look at that--it's his fellow horny man, how convenient.
Then the skeleton comes shambling over and--Vlad barely has to think before he's whipping out his free arm to punch the thing directly in the chest, with all the strength his newly-empowered body has in it.
He hopes it falls apart in a pile of bones and dust. ]
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I mean it, Teucer! You make a pinkie promise, you keep it all your life...
[For those of you reading along at home, the rest of that cute little rhyme is: "You break a pinkie promise, I throw you on the ice. The cold will kill the pinkie that once betrayed your friend, the frost will freeze your tongue off so you never lie again."
FUN SNEZHNAYAN CULTURE FACTS.]
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But when the little girl sees Childe, she gasps and points.]
That looks like the man Papa left Mama for! [WHAT.] Maybe he knows where he is!
[At least Teucer faithfully repeats the rhyme after Childe, why is Russia/fantasy Russia like this. Now go and actually do a decent deed out there, sir.]
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[ Vlad is, if nothing else, passively curious about whatever weird connections are being made here in fake Amity Park. He approaches Childe and once he's done reciting nursery rhymes with his brother, Vlad clears his throat loudly enough to catch his attention. ]
This child says you know her father. Does that ring any bells?
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Also Childe is genuinely good with and fond of kids, so! He'll stop and smile at the girl, shaking his head.]
Hello, young miss. Hmm, I don't think so... can you describe him?
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The girl nods.]
I knew it! I saw Papa talking with you, and then one day he left our home! But I found him, and he said it was because of you that he had to leave, and we couldn't tell Mama!
[That wasn't the question, but it's fine. She tugs on Childe's pants.]
He's out there! You love him, right? Please save him!
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[ He looks up at Childe with a raised eyebrow and an ever-so-slightly-smug grin. ]
Well? Surely you know where your lover would run off to.
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Also, unfortunately, Childe has spent time around Gu Yun, and is thus well-versed in ignoring obnoxious mansluts. Therefore Vlad gets no acknowledgment whatsoever.
The little girl, on the other hand, gets an "ahhh!" sound, since, yeah, that didn't answer his question at all? But he's just rolling with it.
Childe, expert at lying to children:]
Of course, now I remember! It seems there's been a bit of a misunderstanding--it's just part of a big, big project we've been working on for you and your mother. Ah, it was supposed to be a surprise... but I suppose it's alright if your papa tells you about it now.
[He taps his chin with his free hand, pretending to think it over.]
How about this--if you stay here with my brother, we'll go find your father, and when he comes back, we'll tell you all about the surprise. [Turning back to his fake brother:] What do you think, Teucer? Do you want to help protect her? It's a big job, you know.
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Okay, big brother! Leave it to me!
[While the girl looks to Vlad.]
Mister, please help him!
[Vlad is not getting out of not doing any work. Unless, you know, he tries to say no.]
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Very well, then.
[ he gestures for Childe to go first. ]
Take the lead, since you know so much more about the father than I do.
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But it's fine, because they're agreeing, which is what's important.]
Alright then. Both of you stay put, alright? We'll be back soon.
[AWAY THEY GO]
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Childe doesn't particularly care about these civilians either, but what he does enjoy is fighting, and he's got some shiny new powers to test out! So thanks, convenient ghost skeleton, for stopping by to be a guinea pig--it only takes a moment to make short work of it, and he hums, flexing his fingers.]
Hm, not bad.
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