I mean, I...I'm not used to people missing me. I always just assume people would want me gone. Not that I think you'd think that, but...
[Its hard. When one lives most of their life assuming they're hated, even nice words like that are hard to be incredibly convincing.]
You know, I was thinking of...helping everyone in this mess, especially you, but...also trying to find a way where I could get rid of myself, so that I wouldn't ever turn into Limbo, and spread evil. So that humanity would never have to deal with the monster I became.
[A shuddering sigh. They can't meet Envy's eyes.]
I didn't feel I deserved this second chance at life.
...it's hard to just, um. Not think things like that, trust me, I know, I'm like five seconds away at any given moment from being totally convinced everyone I like is going to ditch me because I'm weird.
[...the alcohol gives him a case of running-mouth-syndrome, clearly.]
If things work out so that you don't just all stay dead forever-- which also resolves the problem, I guess-- haaave you considered just finding a way not to end up being Limbo instead of, like, going full nuclear on yourself? Then you could-- I don't know. Do stuff with your life to make up for it. Make sure you don't do the same things a second time.
[he's quiet, a moment.]
Usually I'm not, um, a big proponent of like. Going back on death, or cheating it. Fate's usually supposed to be fate, you know? But if you were here in the first place, I think that can be a kind of fate. Maybe you can just hang out with me as a ghost or something, I'm good at that.
...I've thought about it. Staying and seeing if I can just...avoid it.
[They're reluctant to admit it, but they have. But isn't that wrong? Isn't that turning one's back to the problem, leaving the bad seed alone, and hope it doesn't bloom into a flower of evil?]
I-I don't know. I want to think I can just avoid it, because I'm not Limbo, and never want to be, but...it isn't as if that's a separate monster or something. There are traits in Limbo which I know all too well. I don't want to be lax and think I'll simply be "good" when...it is easier for me not to be.
[They lean forward, knocking their forehead gently against Ryan's forehead.]
I feel like I'm falling apart. [A beat.] Gluttony said you'd be heartbroken if I destroyed myself, and...you've already been through so much pain. I don't want to be someone who adds more to that.
[his eyes widen at that, the flush on his cheeks coming back with a vengeance, but he doesn't pull away from douman.]
I mean, um, yeah, I wouldn't- I really don't want to see that happen to you? Not like that, I mean, it's one thing if you end up consumed or something but-- I don't want you to destroy yourself.
...maybe. Nothing's for sure, but you could always, y'know. Decide to get rid of yourself later if it starts going bad, instead of right off the bat?
[he just. reaches up to run one hand through their hair, staying close.
if i decided to stay because of you-- that's all he's ever really wanted, honestly. for someone to make that kind of decision because of him, to want to be around him. he just wants to be wanted, for someone to actively pick him for once.]
I, um. I don't know how things are going to work out, in the end. It's pretty unlikely you guys are getting out of here. But if you stayed for me, I wouldn't leave you.
[Once again, that soft feeling, and that wrenching guilt in their chest. After everything Limbo did, would they deserve happiness? Someone by their side? The joys of being seen, and not being rejected, simply for being what they are?]
[But then again, isn't this an act of spite to Limbo, too, who couldn't love and was unable to love? The darkness of their heart could never comprehend this.]
[Ashiya Douman draws back, staring into Envy's eyes.]
You really wouldn't? You would have me, everything that I am?
...if, um, if that's something we actually get to have, then- yeah? I mean- you know, I see ghosts and everything, it's literally not a problem for me if you're dead.
[there's just, uh, trying to not let douman get fully vored? that is the big complication, here, but he politely does not say it. he just reaches up to rest a hand on the side of douman's face, doing his best to keep his eyes on theirs. his vision's a little swimmy, but it's fine. he's good.]
[he leans into it, a little more eagerly on his end-- one hand stays on douman's cheek, while his other arm slides around them, staying close. excuse him while he just wiggles and shifts in their lap a bit, turning to properly face them rather than being draped across them; he's more or less just straddling their lap now, settling right in with a little hum. there we go. much better.]
[Douman breaks the kiss momentarily, cheeks deeply flushed.]
If you agree to it...I want you to be mine, and mine alone. And I will be yours, and yours alone.
[In the end, this is why they're similar. They're both desperate, lonely people, needed someone to see them, and understand them, and claim them for themselves.]
Envy... [Another kiss, deeper this time. Its sad, not having a heartbeat - it would probably be racing a little, now.] Stay the night with me, okay?
[Even as they are doing their best to be "good" and resist temptation...the feeling of warmth and affection is too much to resist.]
[he stays close after that deeper kiss, shifting to wrap both arms around douman, head resting on their shoulder.
someone agreeing to something like this is one thing, but to ask him first, for somebody else to want him to be theirs without him having to be the one to initiate... it's warm. comforting. a lot easier to believe, like this.]
[And even though its embarrassing, and they know this is just their emotions letting loose after a long time being stuffed down inside, their eyes well up, and they blink away hot tears. Their arms wrap around Envy, keeping them close.]
...I don't want to indulge this way with anyone else.
[Its a choice. Of course, they could easily allow themselves to indulge with everyone else, because as much as they blush and act ashamed, being intimate is hardly something they don't enjoy. But this is important. Limbo was open to everyone. Douman doesn't want to be.]
[They nod. Yes, that mark...that thing that Limbo was insistent on having.]
I think I only have a little bit of it left, but... [A pause, and a nod.] I want it, too. Even though this place heals all wounds, I...like the idea of it.
[To be claimed. To be marked as "yes, they belong to me". Limbo had the right idea with that.]
[There's a pause. Does it matter, if Envy indulges with others? Of course, there's envy, yes, jealousy, because Douman is a needy, selfish human being at their core, but...]
[They sigh, shaking their head.]
...If you need to help people with their indulgences, then so be it. The living still need to indulge to keep themselves alive. For the greater good, I don't mind.
But I don't...want you to feel guilty. My choice is my choice. It's about you, but...it's about me and for me, too.
[They just want to put their own restraint on themselves. One step towards not becoming Limbo, depraved, addicted to affection from any source.]
I just...want you to promise that you'll always come back to me. [They clutch Envy's shoulders, staring into their eyes.] I will always be waiting, so...don't forget about me.
[The last thing they want is for Envy to go along with someone else, and leave them behind. Its a very Envy-like request.]
[It's something Douman wants to avoid, at all cost.]
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[even if they're dead, even if he's only met this side of them in death. his brow furrows a little, as he peers at them.]
...did you think I wouldn't?
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[Its hard. When one lives most of their life assuming they're hated, even nice words like that are hard to be incredibly convincing.]
You know, I was thinking of...helping everyone in this mess, especially you, but...also trying to find a way where I could get rid of myself, so that I wouldn't ever turn into Limbo, and spread evil. So that humanity would never have to deal with the monster I became.
[A shuddering sigh. They can't meet Envy's eyes.]
I didn't feel I deserved this second chance at life.
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[...the alcohol gives him a case of running-mouth-syndrome, clearly.]
If things work out so that you don't just all stay dead forever-- which also resolves the problem, I guess-- haaave you considered just finding a way not to end up being Limbo instead of, like, going full nuclear on yourself? Then you could-- I don't know. Do stuff with your life to make up for it. Make sure you don't do the same things a second time.
[he's quiet, a moment.]
Usually I'm not, um, a big proponent of like. Going back on death, or cheating it. Fate's usually supposed to be fate, you know? But if you were here in the first place, I think that can be a kind of fate. Maybe you can just hang out with me as a ghost or something, I'm good at that.
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[They're reluctant to admit it, but they have. But isn't that wrong? Isn't that turning one's back to the problem, leaving the bad seed alone, and hope it doesn't bloom into a flower of evil?]
I-I don't know. I want to think I can just avoid it, because I'm not Limbo, and never want to be, but...it isn't as if that's a separate monster or something. There are traits in Limbo which I know all too well. I don't want to be lax and think I'll simply be "good" when...it is easier for me not to be.
[They lean forward, knocking their forehead gently against Ryan's forehead.]
I feel like I'm falling apart. [A beat.] Gluttony said you'd be heartbroken if I destroyed myself, and...you've already been through so much pain. I don't want to be someone who adds more to that.
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[his eyes widen at that, the flush on his cheeks coming back with a vengeance, but he doesn't pull away from douman.]
I mean, um, yeah, I wouldn't- I really don't want to see that happen to you? Not like that, I mean, it's one thing if you end up consumed or something but-- I don't want you to destroy yourself.
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[Douman sighs. Their eyes flutter closed.]
What if I become that monster? If I decided to stay because of that - because of you - could I really avoid that fate, somehow?
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[he just. reaches up to run one hand through their hair, staying close.
if i decided to stay because of you-- that's all he's ever really wanted, honestly. for someone to make that kind of decision because of him, to want to be around him. he just wants to be wanted, for someone to actively pick him for once.]
I, um. I don't know how things are going to work out, in the end. It's pretty unlikely you guys are getting out of here. But if you stayed for me, I wouldn't leave you.
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[Once again, that soft feeling, and that wrenching guilt in their chest. After everything Limbo did, would they deserve happiness? Someone by their side? The joys of being seen, and not being rejected, simply for being what they are?]
[But then again, isn't this an act of spite to Limbo, too, who couldn't love and was unable to love? The darkness of their heart could never comprehend this.]
[Ashiya Douman draws back, staring into Envy's eyes.]
You really wouldn't? You would have me, everything that I am?
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[there's just, uh, trying to not let douman get fully vored? that is the big complication, here, but he politely does not say it. he just reaches up to rest a hand on the side of douman's face, doing his best to keep his eyes on theirs. his vision's a little swimmy, but it's fine. he's good.]
I like you, you know.
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[They sigh.]
I...like you too.
[And they lean forward, capturing Ryan's lips in a gentle kiss.]
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[Douman breaks the kiss momentarily, cheeks deeply flushed.]
If you agree to it...I want you to be mine, and mine alone. And I will be yours, and yours alone.
[In the end, this is why they're similar. They're both desperate, lonely people, needed someone to see them, and understand them, and claim them for themselves.]
Envy... [Another kiss, deeper this time. Its sad, not having a heartbeat - it would probably be racing a little, now.] Stay the night with me, okay?
[Even as they are doing their best to be "good" and resist temptation...the feeling of warmth and affection is too much to resist.]
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[he stays close after that deeper kiss, shifting to wrap both arms around douman, head resting on their shoulder.
someone agreeing to something like this is one thing, but to ask him first, for somebody else to want him to be theirs without him having to be the one to initiate... it's warm. comforting. a lot easier to believe, like this.]
If that's what you want, then-- I want you, too.
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[And even though its embarrassing, and they know this is just their emotions letting loose after a long time being stuffed down inside, their eyes well up, and they blink away hot tears. Their arms wrap around Envy, keeping them close.]
I'm happy I'm yours.
[Don't abandon me.]
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[he reaches up to gently wipe their eyes with his robe sleeve, there. he doesn't have to wonder why they'd tear up-- he gets it.]
But your body still has my mark on it, right? Even if it wasn't you in charge when I gave it to you- it's for you, too, if you want it to be that way.
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[Its a choice. Of course, they could easily allow themselves to indulge with everyone else, because as much as they blush and act ashamed, being intimate is hardly something they don't enjoy. But this is important. Limbo was open to everyone. Douman doesn't want to be.]
[They nod. Yes, that mark...that thing that Limbo was insistent on having.]
I think I only have a little bit of it left, but... [A pause, and a nod.] I want it, too. Even though this place heals all wounds, I...like the idea of it.
[To be claimed. To be marked as "yes, they belong to me". Limbo had the right idea with that.]
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[oh- he looks a little surprised at that, actually, blinking once or twice.]
I probably can't redo the mark, since you heal, but what's there should stay.
[he's quiet a few moments, though, before he tilts his head and asks, slightly hesitantly-]
...do you, um. Do you- need me to not indulge like that with anyone?
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[There's a pause. Does it matter, if Envy indulges with others? Of course, there's envy, yes, jealousy, because Douman is a needy, selfish human being at their core, but...]
[They sigh, shaking their head.]
...If you need to help people with their indulgences, then so be it. The living still need to indulge to keep themselves alive. For the greater good, I don't mind.
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[you know. if envy comes back with marks or anything. he winces slightly when he says it, though, because-- haha, wow, what a way to think about it.]
I'll try not to do it too much, though.
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[Haha. Envy indulgence...]
But I don't...want you to feel guilty. My choice is my choice. It's about you, but...it's about me and for me, too.
[They just want to put their own restraint on themselves. One step towards not becoming Limbo, depraved, addicted to affection from any source.]
I just...want you to promise that you'll always come back to me. [They clutch Envy's shoulders, staring into their eyes.] I will always be waiting, so...don't forget about me.
[The last thing they want is for Envy to go along with someone else, and leave them behind. Its a very Envy-like request.]
[It's something Douman wants to avoid, at all cost.]
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[his fingers run through their hair once more, and he leans in to smooch their cheek.]
Promise. If you do the same thing, then I will.
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[Its strange, having some small instance of hope.]
Of course. I'm yours. [A light laugh, as they lean in to properly kiss Envy.] I'm...putting everything aside for you.
[Just for the chance of being seen, being understood, and being loved. Its more powerful than anything else.]
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[one hand shifts to slide down their side, coming to rest at their hip.]
...then I guess I better make up for that, right?
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[The touch is nice - Douman hums, one of their hands moving to stroke the nape of Ryan's neck.]
I would hope you would. [A light laugh, and an ever fond look.] But I'll take whatever you give me.
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[envy leans in, pressing a kiss to their neck-- then sucking a little mark there.]
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